The First Day Without Him Here

Yesterday was the first full day without Rish here.

I slept on and off, not really having it in me to do much of anything. It felt like my body and mind both just… slowed down. Like everything caught up with me all at once

Most of the day, I found myself waiting by my phone – watching for updates. Waiting to hear that he made it to his next destination, that his flights were okay, that everything was finally going smoothly.

It wasn’t.

His travel ended up being far more stressful than it should have been. They canceled his flight and rebooked him for early the next morning, added an extra layover, and put him in the back of the plane in a window seat – even though he paid extra to choose his seat. Being 6’2″ish, anything other than an aisle seat is extreamly uncomfortable for him, and they didn’t seem to take this into consideration at all, or care.

Even with handicap assistance, he was nearly late to each connecting flight.

And the way it was handled… was frustrating, to say the least.

They tried putting him up in a run-down hotel over 10 miles away with no shuttle service, and gave him only a 12$ food voucher for three meals. It felt careless, Unhelpful. Honestly… unacceptable.

He eventually had to go back to the airport and advocate for himself just to be placed n a proper airport hotel with a shuttle.

Even now, trying to get compensated for everything could take months – maybe even over a year.

It’s hard watching someone you love go through that, especially when you can’t be there to help them through it in person.

But beyond all of that…

It was hard not having him here.

I played one of our songs – “In Case You Miss Me” by Tedding Swims – on repeat for nearly an hour. Just sitting with it.

Remembering.

Replaying the moments in my mind…
Dancing together in the hotel before I left him there.
Dancing in my room just days before.

I could almost feel it again – his arms wrapped tightly around me, the way we swayed together, his soft, raspy voice singing along in my ear.

Those are the moments that stay.

The rest of the day felt… distant.

We didn’t talk much. He was understanding frustrated and exhausted, and I didn’t want to add anything more to what he was already dealing with. So I gave him space, even though part of me just wanted to hear his voice more.

We said goodnight briefly.

Then about an hour and a half – maybe two hours – later, he woke up and couldn’t sleep. We ended up watching one episode of a show we’ve been watching together.

It was simple. Quiet.

But it meant everything.

And then we both went back to bed.

Yesterday wasn’t about doing anything big.

It was about adjusting.

Missing him.
Holding onto the moments we shared.
And learning how to exist in the space he left behind – for now.

Still healing. Still growing. Still rising — crowned in scars.
~ Milli